On getting off the treadmill

Today is the first day of my retirement. I am 39 years old. This is not a brag, it's a burnout story. Read on for how I left my well-paid tech job to write, create art, & spend time with my family.

Today is the first day that I’ve woken up without a job to go to. The first day of my retirement. I am 39 years old.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve been on a treadmill. One that keeps getting faster and the hill getting steeper. Get the best grades, get into the best college, be top of the class, get the best job, get a promotion, join the hottest startup, get the biggest exit, make the most money. Every time the treadmill inched steeper, went a little faster, I matched the pace without a thought. On to the next, the bigger, the better, the more successful, more money.

When one of my best friends died, I pushed to accelerate that promotion.

When my husband was diagnosed with late stage cancer, I cranked up the incline. (Don’t worry, he’s still with us).

When we struggled with infertility, I increased the speed.

And through the good times I kept grinding too.

When I got married, I pushed my career more aggressively in a new direction and relocated for a new job.

When my son was born I stepped into a bigger leadership position.

When I bought and renovated my dream home, I joined an earlier stage startup as an executive.

And it worked. Up until a point. I had everything I had ever dreamt of: a family, a home I loved, an important job at a successful company. But I also realized I couldn’t do it anymore. Any of it. It was time to get off the treadmill.

It started with a spreadsheet: I called it our family profit and loss (P&L) statement. I started calculating how much of our burn we would need to reduce in order for me to leave my job. On paper it looked somewhat feasible. I realized I didn’t want a fancy car or a new house or luxurious vacations or whatever else people like to spend money on. I had savings for my kid to go to college and savings for retirement. So why did I continue to grind like this?

“What will you do with yourself?” coworkers asked. “You’ll be bored in a week,” they asserted. Oh how little they know me. While my calendar is wide open and my inbox is empty, my to-do list is longer than it ever has been before. I have a novel to publish, another one in progress. I have a small toy business I’ve started with my 6 year old son. I have crates full of paint and yarn and un-carved blocks for printing. I have rental properties to manage. And yes, I’ll need to keep doing some tech consulting/advisory to keep our family P&L close to zero burn.

All of that leads me to today, Monday January 6th, where I am sitting at my desk, but I am not working for anyone but myself. And it’s completely terrifying. But I also know that I’m not alone. That there are other Millennials that are reaching the breaking point that I reached, or have already passed that point. I know my decision to step off the treadmill is a privileged one, a result of luck, grueling hard work, and inflated salaries in the tech industry. But if you don’t hate me too much already, would you come along on this journey with me?

I want to hear your stories too: What are your plans for retirement? Even if it’s a distant dream, what would you do with the time back? In the next post, I’ll share my retirement goals. Yes, I’m that much of an over-achiever.